i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
