This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
