Life is so much better after having sex.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
COCAINE IS GR8
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
