and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
