I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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