Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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