Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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