Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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