God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize