the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize