Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
