i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
