i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
