I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
