i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The Olympian is in my bed
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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