I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
