This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
