All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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