where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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