I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Randomize
