I haven't been this sober since birth.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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