I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
