I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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