2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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