She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
