conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
