I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
