Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
