Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He better not be in your backpack
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
