Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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