Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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