i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize