i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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