If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i think my cat just said my name.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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