I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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