ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
