im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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