I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Randomize
