theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize