She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
