Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
