My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
