So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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