I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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