I think I am morally bankrupt
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
