Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
