I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize