I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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