well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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