Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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