Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize