I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
we should paint friendship bongs
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