as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
