I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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