you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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