did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
