The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
