Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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